I've always feared death. I know it's inevitable and I might or might not be ready for something that's very obvious. Sometimes I feel like it will come from behind, choking me suddenly, with no way to retaliate. Other times, I feel like it would stand in front of me, giving me time to look at it, and it would move forward slowly, step by step, giving me a chance to escape, but I won't, because I know it will chase me anyway.

I would let it come to me, till we are staring at each other, more precisely, it would be staring in my soul and would pull it outside and I would still keep staring, till I get my seven minutes.

You must have heard the theory that in your last seven minutes, your whole life plays in front of you. Well, if that's actually true, I think my seven minutes would be a lot of memories. Everything I would have lived so far would come running to me. My family, friends, people who came in my life to serve a purpose and left, people who appeared suddenly and stayed till the end. Someone I would love, someone I would not. I think I would want to reminisce everything and everyone, if seven minutes would be enough for that.

And that's it.

After that, I don't know. I don't think I want to be remembered after that. Because I won't know how everyone would be doing after that. Of course, life goes on and people would move on, which is necessary. But what about those who would keep the sorrow within themselves? I'm not saying I'm gonna be a priority or something, but why do you think those who are lost receive more flowers than the living? Because of the many things that remain unsaid, many flowers not given when they were present.

Why?

Is it simply because you loved them and you still do? Or is there more to it? Guilt maybe, or regret? For not staying when they wanted you to, not saying what they wanted to hear, not noticing them when all they wanted was to be seen? Maybe, maybe not.

And I guess that's why I want to be seen, loved and cared for while I'm still here, by others, by myself.

I won't be able to cherish the flowers they would give me when I would be a star, if that's what you become(childhood fantasies). And I want to do the same.

I think I’d rather play the role of light in someone's life than darkness.

So yes, forgetting me completely is not possible. So I just want to be remembered as someone who made the most of her life, loved deeply, cared freely. And if I become a star, find me and smile, not because of guilt or regret, but because I was there. Till then, I wish of a happy life.

Thank you for reading🎀

O Captain! My Captain!

Do you remember the anxious little kid,

Who couldn't recite what you wanted him to?

Who stood upon that desk, all lost,

And the one who you could see right through?

Its funny how you came in our lives,

Barged right into the class with that look

Which said, ‘I know you better than you ever can’,

And to believe you, that was all it took.

You made us rip out the pages of our books,

Because those mere words couldn't define poetry

Only a free bird could convey what the graph didn't,

And the free bird is the one who isn't bound to misery.

Then there was this companion of mine,

And you saw that passion in his eyes

Although for him, disobedience wasn't an option

Still he went on with your saying, “Carpe diem, boys”.

But grief took him with itself,

Because his own did not accept his joy

For he was a soul with the spark,

That could make a script come alive.

Apparently you had to leave us too,

But we will keep living with the dead poets curse

O Captain! My Captain!

The play will go on and we will contribute to the verse.

Diving to the memories I once made,

Some of them clear, some of them fade

Been selective about it cause I hate the pain,

Yet the taste of regret still hits the same.

A flight towards the unknown I wanted to take,

Ain't a professional, had to put the now at stake

Daydream feels better than a night that ate,

The little hope to fly, and the mere chance to the gate.

Finally started to see the logical way,

There was no need to travel, just needed to stay

So I did and it hasn't been long since I said,

“Can't keep my feet on the ground, they seem to despise the land”.

And hence I went on this merry go round,

It didn't stop, and I couldn't make a sound

Someone said you will figure it out,

But I am still going round and about.

Thank you for reading ✨

I’ve been trying to comprehend everything,

About myself and those around me

But have been failing everytime,

Not knowing what exactly there is to see.

Have always been so obvious,

Maybe because I am not into mystery

Or wanted to share it deliberately,

Because no one wants to know an ordinary’s history.

Have I been blaming ohers in the name of defense?

As I can't come up with an excuse

Was the mirror really reflecting the true me?

Or have I been hiding in the shades and hues?

That's how today's world works,

One needs to be suspicious

But do think about this once,

Does the mirror actually reflect the true us?

Thank you for reading ✨

I’ve been lost in my thoughts for a while now,

What if I had never met you?

Would I still have felt such glee?

Or would you still have been this important for me?

If only it wasn't for you,

I wouldn't have paid much attention to it

I might have just skipped stargazing,

If you weren't the brightest star for me.

Should I have been more selfish?

And just have made you stay back,

But that would be so unfair for thee,

Because not everything is destined for me.

Yet, I don't regret what I said,

I don't regret what I did,

I’d just live in my own fantasy,

Because you will always be the lead for me.

I know neither the world is ending,

And nor will our bond be

I know I'll be fine,

Just a glance of you is enough for me.

Ok so what are we talking about? Oh yes, Love

Firstly, love has a different meaning for everyone, that's for sure. I had one too. Respect.

Even found someone who had the same perspective. Now, he is not here, where he wanted to be, maybe because I pushed him away, or maybe because he was just never meant to stay. But let's not go there. What I really want talk about is hope, longing and belief.

Hope that someday you'll find the love of your life, longing to see how that person looks and why they enchanted you, and belief that you will have a long, great life ahead with them. Now where some people actually get to live this dream, many of them don't. Reasons? Oh we have a lot. But how am I coming up with reasons in love you may ask?

There is no reason needed to fall in love, it just happens, I still believe that, but to stay together? That's not totally in our hands.

I once mentioned this in a note:

“I love love. I just hate how it ends for most.”

Because I feel elated when I see a couple having the best time of their life together, dreaming of a future and working towards it because they are present, physically and emotionally.

But what about those who used to make scenarios of proposing to their partners, on a beach, in between a date or even in front of their parents? Delusional? Yes, very much. Not because all of these events can't happen, but because one person always ends up missing.

They leave like they never felt what the other did, like all those moments never mattered.

There is always this person in your life whom you see and say, "They are never gonna give their heart to someone, I can't picture it, but if they did, they'll give it their all, wholeheartedly." And they actually do. Now either they get the same love in return, or nothing at all.

And then their hopes are crushed.

And so do mine.

At the end of the day, it's always the fear and insecurity that would pull me back from surrendering my heart to someone. I am a daydreamer, I'll always be, even when I know that would remain as an imagination only.

I also want to hold someone's arm in the middle of the road, flaunting him feeling proud that look, "He is the one I chose and most importantly, he chose me." I want to kiss his forehead, so gently as if I would break him if I didn't press my lips there as soft as a feather.I'm ready to propose first and I want to be eager to say yes when he does. But is it possible?

Maybe no, maybe yes. Even if there is a higher chance of all this turning into reality, I still won't choose this fairytale.

Because the fear still lingers that I'll be heartbroken at last. That I would weep my heart over someone, because of someone. Because tears don't come. Tears are my coping mechanism.

But this kinda pain isn't something I can cope up with, so my heart would endure what my eyes couldn't convey. And it is worse.

I won't tell people to not fall in love, which is so ironic after everything that I'm writing, still no I won't, but I would definitely say this one thing,

Fall in love when you know your heart beats like crazy around that person, when you know that you can't see them in even slightest of pain, when you know that this is what you were waiting for, and when you know that they also feel the same.

Because let's be honest, one sided love hurts, in a way heartbreak can't. Loving someone in silence only sounds aesthetic, in reality, it's not.

But poor heart, it would still fall for the same person over and over again even when your heart would bleed with longing for them and they won't spare a glance at you and even if they did, they won't be able to see the depth of feelings hidden behind those eyes.

I have not yet experienced the grief of one sided love, maybe someday I'll do, and when that happens, I'll remember this one thing,

"He is not yours, he could never be. Because he is also waiting for his precious who he would hold dear to his heart."

And then there comes belief. Belief that two lovers could fight against the world if they have to, but is that so? That could happen if some people didn't get held back because of responsibilities, honor and reputation. Fate sometimes plays a cruel game. Maybe its to test your love? Ok, but what kind of test leaves you broken into pieces, takes you far away from your other half and names it as something called sacrifice? This is the one question I'm not able to answer to. Are they at fault?

For breaking someone's heart? Yes.

For avoiding something that could make it worse? No.

So they somehow lost in the race of beliefs that kepy running leaving traces that say,

"Love is far beyond any hardship."

I know I could be very very wrong about this topic, but I just expressed what I feel in a world where for some, love is worship and for some, it's just a word of four letters, not that deep.

Thank you for reading🎀

It's been almost two months since I've been on this platform and it felt like I just saw a whole different side of the world.

The world, you can say, doesn't feel that comforting anymore, sometimes it even seems cruel, but on substack, it's the opposite. People are kind, understanding and everything that is rare to see these days. They are kind to strangers, like they are talking to someone for the first time and they have already started to try to understand each other. How much more beautiful can that be? And I'm trying to do that too.

Because earlier, I used to feel like my life has so many problems, I am enduring so much and what not, but after seeing people here trying to convey their problems, I realised, my pain is nothing, literally nothing in front of theirs. And no. I'm not pitying anyone, someone made me realise that's not the way to understand someone, it's respect and hurt mixed together.

I am someone who runs away from problems, but then I saw people here fighting their worries head on. On top of that, they are also expressing what they feel. That’s what courage is.

Fighting alone is courage I get it. But expressing what you are fighting, who you are fighting it for, is another level of strength.

And as a human, a friend to many here, I am so proud of each and everyone in this platform.

You guys are awesome, truly truly awesome.

The reason I'm writing this today is because I read a heartbreaking note today. I don't know who it is and I am not gonna say who it is, and I don't even know if this will reach them, but this is me trying to support them through a post, I wish I could do more, but grand gestures don't always work.

Sometimes, silent strength and support is what keeps you going.

So for that person and everyone present here, you guys are stronger than you think and you are doing great, really really great, just know that.

Thank you

Also it took me a lot of courage to write this, so please don't boycott me for this🤧

Thank you for reading, great people✨

This is me, trying to be

Good enough for everyone to see

Because no one cares what you think,

They can change faces in a blink.

I may be fake, I may be deceptive,

But that is how this works

One can be quite cretinous,

When it comes to being perceptive.

One can be rude, one can be kind,

And it can always be the other way round

Yet here we go demeaning someone,

Just on the basis of that one time.

Considering others' emotions won't harm,

No need to turn a blind eye forever

At last, we all are humans,

Who would know us better?

I still reminisce the time,

When you were a part of my life

You might have forgotten everything,

But I even remember your pretty smile.

You were the moon,

And I was the star

Always walking behind you,

Watching you from afar.

We casually became friends,

But I mistook it as our destiny

Without even coming out of the trance,

I made you my reality.

Call it cowardice or shyness,

But I didn't confess my feelings

Was it the fear of rejection?

Or was it the fear of losing?

I was mesmerized by you,

More than anyone would be

Maybe it was my love for you,

That you looked flawless to me.

Eventually we had to part our ways,

I didn't get a chance to complete our story

Time will surely pass by,

But my heart will be stuck with the memories.

I always had this thought,

That you reciprocated to my sentiments

If only we had been honest to each other,

We would’ve been walking together, hand in hand.

They say the world is too small,

You might find each other being miles away

But in contrary, it's way too vast,

Even being inches apart, they aren't meant to stay.

Time has escalated, you must’ve moved on,

But here I am, stuck in the past

Am I a fool to be in this delusion?

Or am I just so much in love?

I wish I could change everything,

But that's not possible any longer

I guess that's what true love is,

To not be able to end up with one another.

Growing like a seedling,

Taking in my surroundings

All of this looks so new,

Scared if I'll end up wilting.

I could see trees beside me,

And found them so intimidating

Wondering if I can stand in front of them,

Facing them with my eyes,directly .

This forest seems so huge,

It's like my existence does not matter

I am just another life, not actually special

I know, I know the truth is bitter.

But I'll still face many storms,

And I'll still stand tall

Because I realise my purpose,

I believe I can see beyond the wall.

Thinking about all the possibilities ,

If I hadn't been the way I am

Would it have been for the better,

Or if things could turn over.

Sometimes, I am treated like a crown,

And other times,I'm just a speck of dust

If existing isn't that important,

Then why am I summoned in the worst moments?

Criticism chases me everywhere,

It's a trait that would never let go

Don't get how the world works,

If mocking is the coolest thing to do.

Neither everyone can be a comfort zone,

Nor they can gain the requited trust

Yet we want to claim that place,

Because feeling included is a must.

It's all about some decades,

We ourselves forget who we are

Then why to expect from people to remember,

Our success and failures experienced so far.

In this world of 8 billion people,

We want to be ‘the one’

But maturity is when you realise,

That it's not about everyone.

I still remember the time when I was four years old, my grandfather played a song on the TV and I started dancing. No one told me to. I just did like it was my life mission as a kid. And the experience? Pure joy.

After that, for a few years, I didn't get many chances to dance and somewhere that kind of spark went missing. But then when I got into 5th grade, I started participating. We had this group dance and I cried for not getting the center position. Just one question kept roaming in my head,

“Why couldn't it be me?”

And when my younger sister was in 5th grade, she got that opportunity. I felt jealous. She doesn't even like dancing. I haven't felt like that towards her. I could never. That day was an exception.

Childish? Maybe.

I started practicing regularly since 7th standard. No coach, no professional training.

Just me and that one blissful hour everyday.

Time passed by. I was in 10th grade. My father came to me and we were just talking about some study stuff, when suddenly he asked, “What do you want to be in the future?” I answered confidently, a smile on my face, “I want to be a choreographer”.

He didn't say anything at first but the look said it all.

He didn't want me to be one.

Can't blame him though. He had experienced the same in his time. And even though it was one more reason to support me, he couldn't, because he also believed what the society said, “Get a job, and you'll be fine”. And I didn't have the courage to question that.

And so I gave up on that dream.

I know I still have a whole life ahead of me to do what I truly want, but the courage just won't come.

There is this theory on first love ,

It's always incomplete.

Maybe.

Beacuse mine was.

Am I regretful? Yes.

Am I unhappy? No.

Because my feet still move on their own when a song plays.

And for as long as that happens, there is no going back.

To all the dreamers out there, keep dreaming. Some choices are yours to be made. And If you are courageous enough to do what I couldn't, you are on the right track. You will be able to complete your love story.

To everyone who read this, thank you very much and dream big🎀

It's about home…..

Which sometimes starts looking like a house again, with everyone stressed out, in their own world, not knowing what to do next. And so they end up making the environment less lively.

That's where she comes, shouting at her kids for always keeping things not the organised way, nagging her husband for not helping her with the chores and leaving the breakfast unfinished. At first, it sounds annoying, because the loud voices feel like it's disrupting the silence. But soon, we realise, the voices are better than the silence. And so we end up doing what she says, because she would never let it break down.

She and him both have the same profession, they both go to their respective places at the same time, but she is the one waking up at 4, and him at 6. Because she is expected to be the perfect woman inside and outside the home, which she never let break down.

Her kids are stubborn, they always think, “Why is she so anxious for us?”, now who would tell them? It's because she is the one who pays attention to the things no one ever did. She knows her kids love that home even if it's not perfect, so she would never let it break down.

She has always fulfilled all the responsibilities of being a mother, wife, daughter and daughter-in-law in the best way possible. And what did she get in return? More responsibilities.

She is tired, both physically and mentally, she has been in pain and grief, and yet she is ignored, because she is the woman, she is not allowed to do that. She has kept that house intact while slowly tearing herself, made it a home and yes, she would never let it break down.

Thanks for reading guys🎀

Sometime I just feel like I’m an idiot and sometimes, I feel like I'm just tired. But then I remember, I can't get tired, not yet, maybe not ever. Everyone is walking, jogging, running, sprinting towards their goal, and what the heck am I doing? Sitting on the bed like a lazy sloth, feeling like I have nothing to do anymore now that I have given my JEE exam. And it didn't even go well. Who the heck am I even lying to? Myself? My parents? Who exactly?

Nothing works the way I want it to. And who is to blame? Me obviously. And that annoys me more than I already am. I mean I'm always on the edge. Worrying about things I have and have not done. Getting angry over small matters. Always have this urge to get a punching bag, and just keep punching till the sand falls off of it. Maybe then I'll be satisfied, or maybe not. Why do I keep running away from everything? I always knew that life is not going to be easy, then why am I not ready to face the challenges ?

I know my fictional world is not real, but sometimes I just wish an unknown force would pull me inside the book. I think it would be easier to survive a mafia gang than the real world, maybe. Like seriously, at this point I feel like I'll be able to negotiate with those gangsters than people in the real world who keep trying to make sense to me that how studying and working hard would make my life a lot easier. I am not saying that it won't, but when, how, where? I don't know the answers. How am I supposed to believe all this when it's not happening?

But then again, I remember, there are others whose life is harder than me, they are not happy, they don't have a reason to be chilling out. And I again feel like an idiot for shouting out my problems. I can't even figure out if it's normal or am I being paranoid. But then again, why do I need to have things figured out just yet?

Those who read it all, you guys are awesome and thank you🎀

It's been on my mind ever since I've gained the ability to understand loss. I am afraid of losing a lot of things but what stands out is losing someone. And by someone I am not referring to a single person or a group of them. It can be anyone. Either someone I have known for years or someone I just met a few days ago. It's scary how that affects me more than it should. I am still friends with people I have known since primary or middle school and when we parted ways in the past, it really didn't matter. But when I again came in contact with them and relived all those bittersweet memories, my heart ached at the thought of leaving all this behind once again.

Well that's something I can actually make peace with because I have been with these kind of people for a very long time and it makes sense if I am affected by them leaving me.

But I am not sure about those who have known me for some months only. I made friends in a new place where I was supposed to stay for a year at most. And when it was time to leave, I just wanted an excuse to stay. Just one. But I had none. So I left with tears and a heavy heart. Maybe because they were too kind to me or because sometimes they heard my tantrums all night long. Comforted me whenever I felt low, encouraged me when I was sitting alone with nothing but self doubt.

That's all it took to make me treasure them and their kindness forever.

And then there are these friends of mine I am still in touch with. They are the ones I have actually dreamt of making reels with when my bones will be holding on for their dear life. They are both the calm in my chaos and the chaos in my calm. And the thought of not being able to fulfill my daydreams is not so fascinating. “What if they decided not to be in touch anymore?” “What if they ended up forgetting all the moments we shared?” These thoughts are my nightmares. Even though I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen, still, a human heart can be fragile sometimes.

But after repeating this in my head over and over, the one conclusion I came up with is that maybe it's not actually about the person, but about what they made you feel. For me, having a caring friend is similar to warmth finding its way through the cold.

I know it's often advised to not get deeply attached to someone, but in my opinion, if it's the right person, you are one step closer to a happy life.